My Part of Our Dance

So I'm listening to my affirmations from www.IAmAnAmazingMom.com one morning.
Later that day one comes back to me...I'm going to love Maija today "in a way that SHE feels loved rather than on my terms."

So I ask her, "Do you want me to paint your nails?"

Her face lights up as she takes a sharp breath in, nodding her head up and down as fast as she can.

After I've painted her toes, I start brushing her hair.

It's so beautiful...can't resist....must braid!

She pulls away a bit and groans.

I keep braiding.

"I don't WANT a braid!" she informs me, "You're gonna have to take it out in a minute."

I braid faster, swiftly clip a barrette in her hair to hold the braid in place and step back a moment to survey my masterpiece.

She starts tugging at it.

"Don't!" I say, "Just Look at it before you take it out."

But she's NOT interested.

I grab her armpits in an attempt to lift her and show her how it looks in the mirror.

She arches her back, slams her eyes shut and groans loudly.

I put her down, completely frustrated that she is acting like a baby, and yell "Go to your room!"

She ran to her room and slammed her door loudly behind her.

While she was in there, I'm thinking "she's SO @*# annoying! What a... brat! I hate how unpredictable she is!!"

Then I had another one of my affirmations zip through my thoughts...it said..."when in conflict, I'm great at looking from the other persons point of view...I recognize that it takes two to tango and I take responsibility for my part of our dance...."

So I did...

I looked from her perspective and that led to another question.

Where else in life do I not listen to somebody's "No" or boundary?

Where else do I keep doing what I want to do ANYWAY, and then get mad at THEM for reacting and being upset with me???

It was a shocking bad news insight.

It made me realize that I had described my daughter as unpredictable,

and withdrawn from HER saying, "SHE just pushes my buttons."

When In reality, I pushed her's first.

I was ready to take responsibility for my part of our dance, so I sat on the stairs where we always sit to resolve conflict, and I called her out of her room.

I pulled her close to me and said, "Maija, I'm sorry I braided your hair when you didn't want me to."

She leaned in and said, "I forgive you."

"And I'm sorry if I scared you when I yelled for you to go to your room," I continued.

"I forgive you," she said again.

At that moment, the "peace place" was created.

She leaned her little forehead forward to touch my forehead, her nose touched my nose, and love was present.

Her expressions of affection that afternoon were abundant.

I am an amazing mom... NOT because I don't make mistakes...but because I apologize quickly when I realize how my actions effect those around me.

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If you're a Mom, watch this short clip:

http://video214.com/play/7Mb3mHLyMr3cDwq0R3CnTA/s/dark

Want to listen to my affirmations? They make a HUGE difference. Go to: www.IAmAnAmazingMom.com and click on the TOPC tab.

Take the "Think On Purpose Challenge" with me and moms all over the world.

1,000,000 Moms by Mother's Day Take the "Think On Purpose Challenge" www.IAmAnAmazingMom.com
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8 days in

I'm 8 days in to the "Think On Purpose Challenge" and something fabulous happened today.

I woke up early and listened to the affirmation on living "My Highest Purpose."

It's SO moving!

I wrote it after watching Oprah one night and feeling like I want "that life".
One that is completely 'used up', in a change-the-world and have-my-life-make-a-massive-difference kind of way.

Then my newly-5-year-old daughter woke up.

She and I ate breakfast together and listened to the "I am an Amazing Kid" affirmation that she recorded with me when she was 4 1/2.

It effected her instantly.

In the past couple weeks, I've noticed her behavior turn a bit sassy and rude...talking back and making mean 'I don't have to listen to you, mom, faces.'

But today, as she listened to her affirmation, we connected.

We began reminiscing about memories she has, good and bad, and I know she felt heard and seen and loved because she smiled at me, tilted her head to the side and said, "You're the best mom ever."

I'm so grateful that these affirmations have become a powerful tool for us to start fresh with each day.

I feel peaceful, connected, loving, and free.

What a great way to start our day!

www.IAmAnAmazingMom.com

Starting Now

What I want more than anything is to take the "Think On Purpose Challenge" (described in detail at www.IAmAnAmazingMom.com on the affirm yourself audios tab)
and have the whole world take it with me.

I want moms to wake up in the morning and to have the very first thing they hear be how amazing they are, and how infinitely worthwhile their contribution as a mom in THIS DAY is.

I want women feeling good.

You know how when you feel GREAT is just gushes and overflows onto everyone around you?

I want moms feeling good and I want that abundant joy to get all over their kids.

I want us to raise a generation of kids that feel known, loved, secure.

I want every mother who is sitting bed-side in a hospital room, praying for their child's healing, to listen to these positive words and to have their power bring healing and peace.

I want women sharing their favorite affirmations on facebook with their friends, so our victories and our lessons connect us.

I want teachers all over the world listening to these affirmations and intentionally choosing words that give life to our students.

I want people everywhere developing new levels of success and freedom in their health, fitness, and well being.

I want us all to release the power of positive thinking and create the masterpiece that is our life.

So, I choose to listen to the affirmations from www.IAmAnAmazingMom.com and blog my results daily, starting now.

John Mayer

John Mayer sings "Gravity" in the background.

In the forground, Tyler and Maija start bickering.

"It's not Mader, it's John May-er" Tyler, Mr. Always right, says.

"NO, it's MADER!" Maija emphatically insists.

Here's the thing...if I were to weigh in on these topics simply to be the tie breaker, it would always be a lose-lose situation, because I'd be reinforcing Ty's know-it-all-ness which I REALLY don't need more of and I'd be highlighting the fact that Maija's wrong (which from an outsiders perspective...she always is).

So what do I say?

"Guys, it's more important to be kind and loving than to have to be right about something...

I know that you both have a different opinion or perspective on how you say John's last name, and what I'm saying is that it's OKAY to let the other person think something different than you. (I can't resist the recap) It's more important to be kind and loving than to have to be right about something. Okay?"

I check to see if they're on board with my alternate answer.

"Okay," they both agree.

Can't we just all get along?

Yes!

Roles

One of my roles as a parent, is to give up my 'role' as a parent....in more than one way.

First, I visualize my kids future......

I ask myself questions....

Who will they be in the world?

What will they do?

How will they interact with others, the community, their spouse, each other, me?

What qualities, traits, and skills will be the most important for them to be masterful at?

(If you have never thought towards the future 20-25 years like this, start now...your family will thank you for it.)

Once I answered these questions, I was clear on my "role" as a parent.

I could see traits, experiences, lessons that I wanted my kids to have (with me) NOW, so they'd be experts in those areas that are important later, without me.

So one of my "roles" is to intentionally train them towards autonomy and self mastery.

Often I do that simply by 'getting out of the way' and letting their brilliance and greatness show up in the space that's created.

A wise friend once told me..."never do anything for them that they can do for themselves".

It creates a very big and healthy self image in them....it shows them their greatness.

They then know themselves as powerful and capable.

So one role is to train and get outta the way.

The other is far more important.

It's to give up my "role" and the training, task oriented, business-like things that I do with and for my children, and it is to simply BE PRESENT.

Get into this very moment.
Be HERE.
NO WHERE ELSE.
Don't worry about the future.
Don't regret the past.
Stop the chatterbox in my brain for a moment and just BE in this present time and space.
Nothing's wrong.
Nothing needs to be done.
Everything is perfect.
Peace lives here.
Love lives here.
Connecting with my kids, lives here.

I've discovered a fantastic way to uncloak from my "role" as mom and become the totally present, completely engaged, expression of love that my children adore.

It's called 'make believe'.

I haven't done that in SO long that it completely tricks the chatterbox of noise in my brain...that little never-ending voice is caught off guard...it's not sure what to do with make believe, so it just shuts off.

My daughter and I play house.

In our game, we're best friends.

We both have two baby dolls that get new names and new outfits each time we play.


We play for HOURS.

We move from room to room in our house, doing what we would normally do in a day, yet adding vibrance and magic to it by pretending.

The kitchen is our 'restaurant' where we line up all our babies and feed them from colorful bowls and cups. While we eat lunch, we talk to our babies about healthy food choices and taking good care of our bodies.

Our master bath is our 'nail salon'.

Her closet is the 'store' where we go shopping for our baby's clothes.

The game changes.

Sometimes we practice letters and numbers by playing school and 'teaching our babies'.

Sometimes we just color together and the babies watch.

What's neat, is that I talk to her, in the world of make believe, like I talk to my best adult friends.

I ask her questions about how it's going getting her babies to sleep through the night, and her answers are brilliant.

We share back and forth in a conversation that is enriching, and stimulating her social skills in a way that just isn't AVAILABLE to us when I'm in "mom" role and she's in daughter role.

The most important thing, though, is that we are connected!

We are on equal playing ground.

There is no role or title (or distraction that goes with a role or title) to keep us apart.

We are totally present and completely in LOVE.

It's altered our whole world!

When it's time for the game to be over, her love tank is FULL...overflowing actually.....she's cuddly and huggy and loving in such a different way.

It's bliss.

THAT is the real work of BEING a mom.

Knowing at the end of a day that my child RECEIVED from the top of her head to the tip of her toes, the message that SHE IS LOVED. SHE IS KNOWN. SHE IS WORTHY.

Peace Place.

Bonus question: Where else do I interact with people out of a "role" rather than just being present in a moment with them and allowing love to emerge?

Extra credit challenge: Today...Now...wherever you are...BE there.

Carpool Attitude

"Will you please come sit on the stairs with me, Maija? I wanna talk about this morning." I say.

She sheepishly comes over. She knows exactly what she's done, and is ready to clean it up, so she jumps right into, "I'm sorry I was rude, Mama. I won't do that again."

Normally, that would be the healing solvent on an open wound, but like so many other kids that flippantly say "sorry" after they've clocked a sibling in the head with a toy, because they know that's what mom wants to hear, Maija has simply learned her script well.

"I appreciate that, and I'd still like to talk about it." I say calmly.

"I said I hate driving Tyler to school, and I was mad, because I didn't want to," she explains.

"Why didn't you want to?" I ask in patient curiousity.

She's quiet...thinking.

"Was it because you don't like being in the car?" I ask.

"Yes." She says. "I don't like going in the car every day."

"What don't you like about it?" I continue to gather as much information as she'll give before I 'diagnose'.

"I just don't like it." She says casually. She's able to talk about it level headedly now, rather than screaming, stomping, scowling and door slamming like she did this morning in full-on temper tantrum-mode before we drove Ty to school.

"Hmmm." I say. "Do you know that sometimes you have to do things in life that you don't want to do, and you really don't have a choice about whether you do them or not, but you DO have a choice about your attitude about them, how you think and feel about them?"

I pause to let that sink in.

"You don't have a choice about whether or not we'll drive Ty to school, but you do have a choice about how you'll feel about it....how did you choose to feel this morning?"

"Angry."

"Yep, and did that feel good or bad?"

Brief pause, then the truth, "bad."

"That's right," I said, "and YOU CREATED ALL of that. All of the upset that happened this morning was in your control. You are a powerful person and THAT's what you chose. You are responsible for every ounce of what occurred here this morning. Do you understand that?"

Head nod 'yes'.

"So if you had a chance to make that choice again, which you will this afternoon because we're picking Ty up from school again, what will you create. You don't have a choice about whether or not we're picking him up, but you get to choose how you think and feel about it. So how do you want to feel?"

"Happy." Maija smiles.

"Exactly. You do have that choice. How would that feel? Good or bad?" I continue.

"Good." She smiles.

"Do you know what I mean when I say "choose it or get stuck with it?" I ask.

"No." she says.

"I mean that things happen that you don't have a choice about, like taking Ty to school, but if you choose to be happy with them and go along with them, then you're free! You don't get stuck, upset and angry."

"I like 'you get what you get and you don't throw a fit'," she adds.

"You like saying it that way?" I ask.

She nods yes.

"Perfect!"

We've just discovered how to speak each others language!

"How would today look if you we're bringing, "you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit" to our situation of having to drive Ty to school?"

"I'd be happy..."

"And you wouldn't yell and stomp and scowl and throw things?" I clarify.

"Yeah" she says nonchalantly.

"Awesome! Maija, I want to thank you for being so open to learning from your upsets. Do you know that you are brilliant? Mistakes and failures and upsets are the best teachers and YOU do an INCREDIBLE job of experimenting with what works and what doesn't work in life. Remember yesterday when you were saying that Ty gets to learn more because he has a teacher at school right now? Well, I want you to know that life is the best teacher of all, if you'll listen and be willing to learn. I'm proud of you for learning a TON from upsets. I love you."

I scoop her onto my lap for a big snuggle hug.

Peace place.

Got Milk

We're sitting on the stairs in our new home.
This is the 'designated spot' in our house to resolve conflict.
It helps spatially.
I sit on the stair below the kids.
It makes them feel powerful.
That helps them to engage.

We all face forward at first (signifying that the conflict is "out there" and we are working together, shoulder to shoulder, on the solution).

Then as we interact, we're close.
I touch them as I speak to them.
It disarms the tension and reminds me to create a loving, kind tone in my voice.

"I'm seeing a pattern", I say. "Are either of you seeing the pattern?"

I give them time to look for themselves at the situations.

They shake their heads no.

I start with Ty because I know he can handle it a bit better.

"Ty, Maija and I we're trying to love you today by getting books and dvds at the library for you, but because it wasn't exactly how you wanted it to go, you were grumpy with us and told us you didn't want them." I recap to make it simple. "We tried to express love for you with an act of service, and you pushed it away because it wasn't how you wanted it to go."

"Maija, how did that make you feel? Happy or sad?" I ask.

"Sad." she admits. "Jackpot!" I think, she took the bait.

"Hmmmm." I say out loud.

"How about you, Maija" I speak quickly to make the connection while I've got her attention. "Ty was trying to be kind and loving just now by pouring milk for you, but because it wasn't exactly how you wanted it to go, you were rude to him and told us you wanted me to pour." Same simple recap..."He tried to express love for you with an act of service and you pushed it away because it wasn't exactly how you wanted it to go."

I look at Ty, "How did that make you feel?"

"Sad" he adds a lower lip pout to drive it home with some drama.

"Hmmmmmm." I say out loud.

Then I decide to throw in a joke to do a little pattern interrupt and launch us into resolution mode.

I say, "I don't like making people feel sad. What about you? Would you rather make people feel sad or "pee pee"?
Of course I meant sad or happy, but the well placed potty word was MAGICAL for Ty.
He absolutely exploded with laughter, such that tears were bursting forth.

"I've never laughed so much I've cried before!" he exclaimed between belly rolls.

Super cathartic!

Maija laughed too, yet was determined to keep her composure.

Finally, we decided together that we'd rather receive people's love and feel happy.

So we got to the "peace place"...

Mind you, these peace place conversations usually end with big hugs, but since we were all snuggled on the stairs, we leaned in for a kiss.

"Triangle smooch!" I sang as we all leaned in and smacked lips.

Of course that was funny, so we tried about ten more and peace and connectedness and giggles abounded.

"So can we still have milk?" They ask.

"Hmmmm. Let me reconsider. " I said.

"What does that mean?" Ty asks.

"It means that when you were being rude to each other earlier, I put the milk away because I don't reward kids that are fighting and not communicating with each other. 'Let me reconsider' means let me think about if your shifting YOUR actions and getting to the peace place will cause me to shift my actions and let you have milk again."

I made the winnie the pooh face and squinted my eyes as I tapped my forehead "think. think. think." I said.

They both laughed again. "You look like pooh bear!" Maija recognized.

"Think. Think. Think." I said again, creating more giggles.

They waited with baited breath for my verdict.

"Yes", I say, "you guys can have milk."

"Goodie!!!!" Ty rejoices.

"I'll let Ty pour mine." Maija says.

"Yay!" he exclaims.

It still shocks me how well they express love and serve one another once they're in the peace place...

I wish I had a video camera constantly recording to capture these things.

Today, I settled for the picture I took on my iphone of them sitting at the kitchen island together, with their little faces disappearing into their big colorful cups as they guzzled their milk together.

So precious!