Tub Time

I'm in the shower.
I like hot, long showers.
I like to let my mind wander and I often find myself having conversations in my head with people I should talk to.

Sometimes I make lists of things I need to do, plan my day, that sort of thing. Needless to say, I don't like being interupted in the shower.
I don't know many people that do.

So when I'm in the shower and I'm interupted by Tyler's voice
saying, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
I was pissed.

I turned off the water, got out, and started toweling off.

As I do, I ask my five year old son, "What's going on?"

"I got water in Maija's mouth and she won't forgive me," he says.

Arrrgh!

My 3 1/2 year old daughter is whimpering in the opposite corner of the huge soaker tub. Clearly she's okay, she's just milkin' it now.

"Maija, why won't you talk to Tyler?" I ask, more annoyed than curious.

She clams up a lot and it's really frustrating.
Total karma, I used to do that to my mom all the time when I was little.

Okay, I take a deep breath.

One of the things I'm learning in life is that sometimes I hurt people or offend them.
It's my responsibility to get into their world and see what kind of upset I've caused and take responsibility for that, even if I didn't mean to hurt them or it was an accident.

So I put my 'amazing mom hat' on and say, "Tyler, it may occur like badgering to Maija that you're saying 'I'm sorry' without checking out what type of an impact you had on her and taking responsibility for it. Let's ask her how it made her feel when you splashed her and got water in her mouth, Okay?"

"Okay."

"Maija," I say, "how did it make you feel when Ty got water in your mouth?"

She doesn't talk. I wait. She doesn't talk.

"We're you sad or scared?" I ask.

She shakes her head yes with her lips turned down in a full rainbow shaped pout.

"Okay, thanks, " I say. "So, Ty, maybe you could say, "Maija, I'm sorry that I splashed water in your mouth and made you feel sad and scared." Then I turn to Maija and ask,"Would that make you feel better if he said it like that?"

"No!" she blurts out, "He touched my shoulder and got water in my mouth and I was scared and angry, and he needs to say 'I won't do that again' and THAT would make me feel better."

"Okay," I say to Ty, "can you do that?"

He says, "No..."

Frustrated, I say, "Look Ty," she's telling you the impact that your actions had on her, and what she needs for you to say in order to feel complete about it and forgive you. I'd like you to apologize now in a way that makes a difference for her and gets it cleaned up."

"I'm sorry I pushed you and got water in your mouth. I didn't mean to make you scared and angry and I won't do it again," he says.

"I forgive you," she says and goes to hug him...he pulls away.

"Ty, what's going on?" I ask, "I thought we got to the peace place."

"I'm mad at her for not talking to me when I was trying to apologize." he says.

Immediately I'm reminded of earlier in the day when she was upset about something and I spent far too much time attempting to drag out of her what the problem was, to no avail. So, feeling validated by his complaint I jump on the bandwagon and make her wrong for it too!

"Well Maija," I say, "you need to understand that when we are trying to communicate with you and you don't talk to us, it's EXTREMELY frustrating. It makes us very sad and then we get angry at you. Can you take responsibility for that and apologize to Ty and Mom for not talking to us?"

She sits quietly for a moment....probably wondering how I suddenly deserved an apology too.

That ticks me off.

She's quiet for a moment too long, so I let her have it. "Maija remember earlier today when you wouldn't tell me what you were upset about, but you were throwing babies off your bed after your nap?"

"I didn't take a nap!" She shouted.

"Oh, well THAT explains why you were acting like you were out of energy, but it's not okay NOT to talk to mom! It's really annoying when I ask you questions and you don't talk to me at all. It makes me feel sad, confused and VERY frustrated... AND IT's RUDE!"

Cha ching!

A look of understanding and remorse sets in on her little face.

She doesn't like being called rude.

"I'm sorry I didn't talk to you and Ty," says my little, big girl, "Next time you ask me something, I'll talk to you."

"I forgive you." I say, "Thank you!"

A huge smile spreads across her lips.

Everybody was happy and calm.

Hugs all around.

We created the "peace place."