Got Milk

We're sitting on the stairs in our new home.
This is the 'designated spot' in our house to resolve conflict.
It helps spatially.
I sit on the stair below the kids.
It makes them feel powerful.
That helps them to engage.

We all face forward at first (signifying that the conflict is "out there" and we are working together, shoulder to shoulder, on the solution).

Then as we interact, we're close.
I touch them as I speak to them.
It disarms the tension and reminds me to create a loving, kind tone in my voice.

"I'm seeing a pattern", I say. "Are either of you seeing the pattern?"

I give them time to look for themselves at the situations.

They shake their heads no.

I start with Ty because I know he can handle it a bit better.

"Ty, Maija and I we're trying to love you today by getting books and dvds at the library for you, but because it wasn't exactly how you wanted it to go, you were grumpy with us and told us you didn't want them." I recap to make it simple. "We tried to express love for you with an act of service, and you pushed it away because it wasn't how you wanted it to go."

"Maija, how did that make you feel? Happy or sad?" I ask.

"Sad." she admits. "Jackpot!" I think, she took the bait.

"Hmmmm." I say out loud.

"How about you, Maija" I speak quickly to make the connection while I've got her attention. "Ty was trying to be kind and loving just now by pouring milk for you, but because it wasn't exactly how you wanted it to go, you were rude to him and told us you wanted me to pour." Same simple recap..."He tried to express love for you with an act of service and you pushed it away because it wasn't exactly how you wanted it to go."

I look at Ty, "How did that make you feel?"

"Sad" he adds a lower lip pout to drive it home with some drama.

"Hmmmmmm." I say out loud.

Then I decide to throw in a joke to do a little pattern interrupt and launch us into resolution mode.

I say, "I don't like making people feel sad. What about you? Would you rather make people feel sad or "pee pee"?
Of course I meant sad or happy, but the well placed potty word was MAGICAL for Ty.
He absolutely exploded with laughter, such that tears were bursting forth.

"I've never laughed so much I've cried before!" he exclaimed between belly rolls.

Super cathartic!

Maija laughed too, yet was determined to keep her composure.

Finally, we decided together that we'd rather receive people's love and feel happy.

So we got to the "peace place"...

Mind you, these peace place conversations usually end with big hugs, but since we were all snuggled on the stairs, we leaned in for a kiss.

"Triangle smooch!" I sang as we all leaned in and smacked lips.

Of course that was funny, so we tried about ten more and peace and connectedness and giggles abounded.

"So can we still have milk?" They ask.

"Hmmmm. Let me reconsider. " I said.

"What does that mean?" Ty asks.

"It means that when you were being rude to each other earlier, I put the milk away because I don't reward kids that are fighting and not communicating with each other. 'Let me reconsider' means let me think about if your shifting YOUR actions and getting to the peace place will cause me to shift my actions and let you have milk again."

I made the winnie the pooh face and squinted my eyes as I tapped my forehead "think. think. think." I said.

They both laughed again. "You look like pooh bear!" Maija recognized.

"Think. Think. Think." I said again, creating more giggles.

They waited with baited breath for my verdict.

"Yes", I say, "you guys can have milk."

"Goodie!!!!" Ty rejoices.

"I'll let Ty pour mine." Maija says.

"Yay!" he exclaims.

It still shocks me how well they express love and serve one another once they're in the peace place...

I wish I had a video camera constantly recording to capture these things.

Today, I settled for the picture I took on my iphone of them sitting at the kitchen island together, with their little faces disappearing into their big colorful cups as they guzzled their milk together.

So precious!