Love Farts

It's 4 in the morning.

I just got done writing a story and I sneak quietly into bed where my husband is sound asleep.

As I settle into our new blue 400 thread count sheets and chocolate brown duvet, I release an SBD (Silent But Deadly fart).

Did I mention, yet, that I love farts?

I grew up with two older brothers and went to camp a lot where we'd light our farts on fire and laugh hysterically, just for kicks.

Farts became a very strange expression of love for me.

When we were in college, I told Chris that I'd know he loved me when he was comfortable enough to fart in front of me.

I know, it's a unique love language, but it works for me.
To me, it means I accept somebody just as they are and can laugh at their humanity.

One night in college, when we'd been together for a while, he took me outside, underneath the stars, where he'd laid down a blanket and had soft music playing.

After star gazing and dreaming for a while he says to me, "I have something important I wanna tell you."

I'm thinking, 'This is it! The L word.'

He leans over to me and silence engulfs us as I wait to hear what he'll say.

Then, "HONNNK!!" goes his butt!
I'm talking HUGE fart!

I was ecstatic!

We laughed so hard I almost peed my pants!
It was a beautiful moment.
I knew then, we'd be together forever!



So as I settle into bed beside my man, I slip one off into the new covers and trap it in the dutch oven.

Grinning from ear to ear, I think of my husbands reaction later in the morning when he rolls close to me, unknowingly releases the beast, and gets a nose-full so potent that it jars him from a sound sleep.

I quietly giggle to myself in the dark as I picture his future rude awakening.

You'd think at this point that I'd sneak a toe diagonally out of the covers at the bottom of the bed to lessen the blow, but no, I just lay there and giggle picturing his reaction.



I think farts are a gift from God.

Very intelligent design actually.

They always make people laugh.

Can't you just picture God in the design room with a bunch of angels brainstorming it out.

"Okay," God describes the plan,"the food will go in this hole, nourish the body and the waste will come out this hole."

"What color will it be?" some angel asks.

"Yellow?" one suggests.

"Orange?" another throws out.

"No, let's make it brown, so it matches the ground," God decides.

"Ooooh, good idea," they all chime in.

"What about noise? Should there be a noise involved?" one asks.

"Oh definitely! How else will they know poops on it's way?" God says.

"Should it sound like an animal?" one says.

"Oooooh! How 'bout an elephant?" they get excited.

"No? Too scary?...ummm...maybe a duck! Those aren't scary!" another adds.

"Or maybe a goose! They could honk like a trumpet!"

"What about quiet ones like a snake?"
The angels are so excited, they're all talking over one another.

"All good ideas," God says to the angels.
"let's try them all!"

I can just picture it.
That MUST have been a fun brainstorming session.....




Usually I eat well.
Fruits.
Veggies.
Protein.
Can't have wheat.
So if I eat anything sugary, like spaghetti sauce...watch out, or as my kids like to say, "fire in the hole!"
I had some spaghetti sauce tonight.
S.B.D city.

Funny thing is, as I continue enjoying my sneak attack on my husband, he rolls over, sound asleep, and HONKS a loud one right at me!!!

Loud and proud and still sound asleep!!

Oop two, THREE!!!

That's what I get for trying to ambush him.

I giggle.

Angels rejoice!

"I love you too, Babe." I whisper as I pin the covers down tight.