Carpool Attitude

"Will you please come sit on the stairs with me, Maija? I wanna talk about this morning." I say.

She sheepishly comes over. She knows exactly what she's done, and is ready to clean it up, so she jumps right into, "I'm sorry I was rude, Mama. I won't do that again."

Normally, that would be the healing solvent on an open wound, but like so many other kids that flippantly say "sorry" after they've clocked a sibling in the head with a toy, because they know that's what mom wants to hear, Maija has simply learned her script well.

"I appreciate that, and I'd still like to talk about it." I say calmly.

"I said I hate driving Tyler to school, and I was mad, because I didn't want to," she explains.

"Why didn't you want to?" I ask in patient curiousity.

She's quiet...thinking.

"Was it because you don't like being in the car?" I ask.

"Yes." She says. "I don't like going in the car every day."

"What don't you like about it?" I continue to gather as much information as she'll give before I 'diagnose'.

"I just don't like it." She says casually. She's able to talk about it level headedly now, rather than screaming, stomping, scowling and door slamming like she did this morning in full-on temper tantrum-mode before we drove Ty to school.

"Hmmm." I say. "Do you know that sometimes you have to do things in life that you don't want to do, and you really don't have a choice about whether you do them or not, but you DO have a choice about your attitude about them, how you think and feel about them?"

I pause to let that sink in.

"You don't have a choice about whether or not we'll drive Ty to school, but you do have a choice about how you'll feel about it....how did you choose to feel this morning?"

"Angry."

"Yep, and did that feel good or bad?"

Brief pause, then the truth, "bad."

"That's right," I said, "and YOU CREATED ALL of that. All of the upset that happened this morning was in your control. You are a powerful person and THAT's what you chose. You are responsible for every ounce of what occurred here this morning. Do you understand that?"

Head nod 'yes'.

"So if you had a chance to make that choice again, which you will this afternoon because we're picking Ty up from school again, what will you create. You don't have a choice about whether or not we're picking him up, but you get to choose how you think and feel about it. So how do you want to feel?"

"Happy." Maija smiles.

"Exactly. You do have that choice. How would that feel? Good or bad?" I continue.

"Good." She smiles.

"Do you know what I mean when I say "choose it or get stuck with it?" I ask.

"No." she says.

"I mean that things happen that you don't have a choice about, like taking Ty to school, but if you choose to be happy with them and go along with them, then you're free! You don't get stuck, upset and angry."

"I like 'you get what you get and you don't throw a fit'," she adds.

"You like saying it that way?" I ask.

She nods yes.

"Perfect!"

We've just discovered how to speak each others language!

"How would today look if you we're bringing, "you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit" to our situation of having to drive Ty to school?"

"I'd be happy..."

"And you wouldn't yell and stomp and scowl and throw things?" I clarify.

"Yeah" she says nonchalantly.

"Awesome! Maija, I want to thank you for being so open to learning from your upsets. Do you know that you are brilliant? Mistakes and failures and upsets are the best teachers and YOU do an INCREDIBLE job of experimenting with what works and what doesn't work in life. Remember yesterday when you were saying that Ty gets to learn more because he has a teacher at school right now? Well, I want you to know that life is the best teacher of all, if you'll listen and be willing to learn. I'm proud of you for learning a TON from upsets. I love you."

I scoop her onto my lap for a big snuggle hug.

Peace place.